Every single year that comes around, there’s this dying need for humans to make a list of things they’d usually reserve for a bucket list and then try ti achieve it in a year. I was that human. Join the gym, lose weight, eat healthier, travel more, read more, watch more movies. Except those are quite hard to do with such a flat description. I’ve struggled to figure out of goals and resolutions are one in the same and truthfully, I’m making them different. This year, there’s no list of bullet points of things I want to do, there’s an in-depth list of things that I am going to work on and hopefully soon say I’ve accomplished. So, what’re my goals this year?
1. Read books I began but never finished.
I’ve started quite a few books last year, and the year before that, and the year before that one that I just never managed to come back around to. I can blame it on my mood but it’s more because of the fact I have too much. I suffer from the human condition of wanting more, gaining it, then moving on to that better thing. It’s new and shiny and fresh and smells like ink, so I put down the last to get to the other. Sometimes I even challenge myself to read more than one but then I abandon them all to read that next one in the mail.
What’s the cure? Buy less? Hahahaha, no. never. I’m going to pace myself and test my own patience and invest in what I have before me. I’ve began my initiative on better organization and I’ve fixed up my Goodreads list to reflect all the books I’ve started and are wanting to return to. This may not light the fire under my ass that I need to do so but it will eat at my subconscious until I do so and that’s what mostly matters.
2. Make time to write more efficiently.
I call myself a writer. I call myself a writer because I’ve circled the underground world of writing about my favorite band members being my boyfriends and about my favorite superheroes being boyfriends and I’ve called it writing. Truthfully, it is writing, that I can’t lie about. Also I write this blog and more flash fiction on my roleplaying/ character blog. Ii’m giving you all this information to say that I’m not as effective as other people at writing. Needless to say, I tanked during NaNoWriMo. What happened was that I didn’t know how much work went into being able to write a novel in a month and honestly, I’ve been writing a novel for the past two years because I’m no good at dedicating myself to writing.
There are many people who dedicate themselves to the keyboard until they do 1000 words or more. Me? I lie in bed at night and push out a few paragraphs I like or a scene I enjoy. Afterward I decide to go back and edit parts I didn’t like to much. Finally, I finish my mighty writing session by going to bed. I’m afraid of my own writing is what it is. I can’t talk enough about what scares me when thinking of unleashing my story into the world, but I haven’t gotten over my own fear of simply doing well or what I set out to do. No more. Not this year.
3. Better the craft of reviewing books.
It’s not like I consider myself terrible at it, but sometimes I go back and read my own work and realize I didn’t say anything. I’ll be honest, I write
reviews to make others love something as much as I do. To be even more honest, my best review was for a book I didn’t care for at all. I am not poetic in my writings, therefore I’m not seeking to make every review as great as (or greater than) the book. What I want to make greater is my ability to be a bit more technical and informative. Also, I don’t give good synopses.
This also goes for the formatting and structure of my reviews. I want my readers to consider reading a book and not just solely rely on my bias towards liking it or disliking it. I want to write effectively enough for my readers to gave a sense of my thoughts on the matter as well as a true sense of the story outside of my bias lens. It’s a middle ground that I want to establish and have reflected in my work.
4. Be more conscious about what I’m eating.
I can’t make the promise of eating healthier, but I can think more about what I’m putting in my body. I don’t eat bad, really, but it’s sometimes a matter of me settling for a meal. When I don’t feel like cooking, I turn to the freezer for a quick meal or Ramen. It’s lazy eating. It’s eating to feel full and fulfilled for the moment. I don’t even enjoy half the things I eat. In relation to my health, I think it’s only better to reform what I’m eating to reduce possible flares. This is also in effort to lose weight but because of my exercise limitations, I’m doing this first.
5. Practice my handwriting.
Jade Ivy, you’re typing, why learn to write? Because I’m hoarding calligraphy supplies and ink dries, rude nosey imaginative critic. Seriously, I don’t enjoy my handwriting at the least bit. There hasn’t been a time in recent history in which I had to write much other than my signature but, duh, I’m changing that. I’ve gotten more into the studying community of Tumblr. I’m not active in the community at the least but those girls really do inspire me. Their handwriting is clean, cute, and above all it fits into the lines just right.
I don’t write as well as I would like. I don’t even like my handwriting to be completely honest. Again, like most thing, I can’t commit to a singular style. All caps? Some caps and some lowercase? The most revolutionary mark I made in my writing is by not putting the line on top of the J anymore. This practice also comes with taking time out to practice calligraphy. I once used prided myself on drawing letters and words to look nice and then I stopped.
6. Give myself more credit and more care.
I don’t indulge heavily in self care. I say that as if it’s some sort of disgusting sexual act but it’s because of my anxiety. Relaxing is something I struggle to do when I endlessly feel as though I’m not doing anything at all or not doing enough. Reality is, I haven’t completely come to terms with how my diseases can tire me. Truthfully, I just recently came to terms with how much rest I’m missing out on in my life overall. Hours after surgery I was trying to work on blog posts. This past weekend I ha a cold and for once decided that work could wait.
Last year I didn’t take care of my skin, my wounds, my body in any special way. It wasn’t until the end of the year that I saw how terribly my mental health degraded from my carelessness. Because of my neglect, I began to hate myself even more. Finally, after spending so much time bashing yourself, you begin to realize how exhausting it is. It’s tiring to tell yourself how worthless and disgusting you are before you’re ready to prove yourself wrong. For Christmas I bought myself some clothes. Before that I had my much needed surgery and my arms are healed. Now, I’m working on telling myself to cut me a break and take a nap when I need it.
For now, this is it. I don’t want to share too many goals that I could intimidate myself with later. Sure, finish my novel and publish it with Random House, Collin Harper, or Penguin House but I will give it time to bloom. I want to work my my make up more, find what’s right with me, but I want to truly work on what’s important for me. There are already so many things going on under the hood that I’m ready to announce but I want all things to be well.
As for my website, I’m making changes that are truly reflective of me. I quit with trying to be impressive for other people. I’m ditching the post headers that aren’t my own doing. It won’t be overnight, the changes, but over time things will be tweaked and changed how I see fit. After that, no more indecisiveness about designs and I’m sticking it out for as long as I can. I’m taking this brand that is me seriously. I will also be blogging about more than things that are, well, sad. There’s more to me than my sadness. I can’t promise daily posts, but there will be more from me.
Without a doubt 2016 treated no one well. In my case, I’ve had three bad years consecutively and I think the time for bad times is nigh. I haven’t been able to change much going on, but I can change myself and what I do for the best. I’ve learned so much about myself in this past year, and I love who I am. What I hate is what I’m not allowing myself to do from the heavy weight of self loathing. I’m making better goals for myself and I’m sticking to them. Even when the year is over, I’m still going to do what I can to make life better for myself. I didn’t choose to depression, but I will choose do choose to be happy.